How to Convince Your Parents for Tidying Up

You want to do something about your parents’ belongings. You want to tidy up your parents’ surroundings, but it’s hard to make it happen. Why is this?

That’s because your parents have a lot of anxiety.

• Anxiety about changing and being changed
• Anxiety that “cleaning up” means “throwing away”
• Anxiety of being trespassed into one’s own domain

As we get older, there is a lot of resistance to change in our daily lives. This is because it takes a certain amount of energy to accept something new. This is why they think that things are fine as they are and they believe they have nothing to complain about.

Also, as we get older, the concept of tidying up is directly related to the concept of “throwing away. The feeling of “mottainai” overwhelms the necessity or comfortability of tidying up, so it ends up in hesitancy to take the first step toward tidying up.

If it is too difficult for them to clean up by themselves, they will have to ask for help, but there is also resistance to people touching their things or entering their space. Even if it’s a family member, and even more so when they have to pay a contractor or somebody else to do it.

Then, how can we convince them to make their lives a little more comfortable? I’ve divided the approach into three steps.

Three Steps

Step 1: Explore Their Thoughts

This is a very difficult step, because it is not possible to conduct a formal interview, and it is not something that can be derived through guided questioning. First of all, pay attention to their daily conversations and try to find out what is troubling them, what is bothering them, whether they feel uncomfortable, and so on. You will find hints behind the words they say.

For instance:

• She (he) is always looking for her (his) keys when she (he) goes out.
• She (he)’s got a lot of paperwork coming in, but she (he) doesn’t understand them all. She (he) is afraid she (he) is going to lose important documents.

• She thought she was out of seasoning, so she went and bought some, but it was already there.
• She’d love to use the pressure cooker, but it’s too heavy to pull out.
• She’s always wearing the same clothes in the front.

These come from “she doesn’t know what she has” or “there are too many things for her to handle”. So, she should reduce things and keep track of inventory, which also makes her easy to pull out and put back.

The following is the idea which many elderly people has in their mind, but never wants to show and share.

• I wonder what would happen to the things in my house if something were to happen to me. I don’t want to bother my children, but I don’t know where to start.

Yes, it is important to find out what the problem is and share it with your parents. If you start cleaning up unilaterally or ask a contractor to do it without taking this step, the door will be stubbornly closed, and it will never be opened. You know how important this step is.

Step 2：Let Them Imagine

The image of “getting comfortable”

The next step is to ask your parents to imagine two things in order to relieve their many anxieties. The first step is to imagine that it will become “more comfortable”. It may be easier to imagine if you let them compare the before and after images. The image of becoming comfortable can be divided into more specific categories.

a.　Reduction of physical burden

When you put things away and have fewer things, it becomes dramatically easier to take things in and out. This will reduce your physical burden. This is because things that you used to have to bend down to take out will be able to be taken out smoothly, and things in the back will become easier to take out. The burden on your back will be dramatically reduced. Let them imagine.

b.　Avoidance of danger

Next is the image of avoiding dangers. If there are objects on the floor or protruding objects, you can get caught and lead to falls. You well know this is something you want to avoid more than anything.

It is important for them to imagine the danger of falling. I’m sure they can easily visualize the situation.

c.　Reduce mental burden

Searching for something can be mentally taxing. If you look for something on your way out, you will be on the verge of missing your appointment or the train. If you are in a hurry, you may fall or lose something. If it’s an important document, the thought of not being able to find it can be unnerving.

Let them imagine a life where they live calm and safe not to looking for things.

d.　Saving time

Let’s say you spend 5 minutes a day looking for something, which counts 35 minutes a week, 140 minutes a month. That’s more than two hours of searching per month. If you don’t have to spend that time looking for something, you might be able to watch a movie or have tea with a friend. Let them imagine.

e.　Saving money

You have plastic wrap, toilet paper, seasonings, etc., but you keep buying one thing after another. For example, when you buy a black sweater, you might say, “Oh, I have a similar one.” If you could eliminate this wasteful spending, you would be able to save a lot of money. Let them imagine.

The image of “enjoy”

The second image is to include the element of “enjoyment. Tidying up tends to give people a negative impression of “hard work”, but it is important to have a positive image of more enjoying life.

For example, if you have a clean house, you can invite your friends over for tea, or you can get dressed up and go out in your free time. You will definitely enjoy your life more than if you were to stay in the kotatsu and watch TV all day, surrounded by so many things.

It may not that easy, but if they can imagine it, they will be motivated for tidying up.

Step 3:　Remove anxiety

After getting images, the third step is to get rid of the anxieties.

As I mentioned in the beginning of this article, as we get older, the “anxiety” factor increases. Anxiety about changing, about letting go, about having one’s domain violated. The type and intensity of anxiety varies from person to person, but removing even a small amount of anxiety will make them more positive about getting rid of it.

The anxiety about change can be greatly relieved by imagining the positive aspects of the tidying up. What about the second anxiety, that of letting go? When they think of throwing something away, they may feel that it’s mottainai, that it’s still useful, or that it was too expensive. However, if they can think that the item will be put to good use instead of being thrown away, it will be easier to let go of it, won’t it?

Various suggestions such as recycle stores, online auctions, donations, and renovations may help them feel lighter. (Reference articles on how to let go)

The third one, relieving the anxiety of having one’s territory violated, may be a little more difficult. It depends on how well they can build a relationship of trust with the person who is going to clean up the mess. That’s why the first interview to “find out what they think” is so important.。

What do you think? There is no need to think too hard. As long as you can convey the idea that you want your parents to live more comfortably, it should work. I would be happy if this article could give you even one hint.